- "THE ART OF HOLDING ON & LETTING GO". - -- This has been a long time coming.
I've been putting off those replies to e-mails, text messages and phone calls. ...It's just that I didn't know what to say or how to say it. And now all I can do is say that I'm sorry for the silence. And ask that you let me try to explain.
For the longest time I had felt that I needed to have a death grip on what really mattered to me. ~ My relationships. What I failed to realize was that by holding on so tightly, I had turned a blind eye to situations that could not be fixed and to relationships that were toxic to both parties. I suffocated, pushed away the people that I ever did care about, and protected those who had consistently broken me down. -- But when I learned that truth... 'Love' became as an excuse to be invasive, manipulative and cunning, Relationships were rocked to the core, And for the first time in my life, I had to defend every action taken and word spoken vehemently.
So this summer I gave up where I never did. In my relationships and in people. And held onto something I had always lost time and time again. Self-Respect. ....
And things have never been the same.
These past two months have allowed me to see that I have people in my life that love and want to be around me. But it also made me see the inability in myself to move forward in my relationships in Ottawa. It's time to move on. It's time to let go.
2 years will fly by..
They had always said that "You'll know when you know." -- And now I do. I don't have the art of holding and letting go down to a tee. But I guess that's what Life is all about.
-- For the first time since April, it finally FEELS like summer. And I’m in bed, coughing up phlegm, taking penicillin and popping Tylenols. (Not to mention we’re steadily into September.)
I’ve watched a stack load of dvds. Comedies, Action/Drama and Horror. All by myself, wrapped up in my down comforter and puffy pillows surrounding me. - I forgot how much I could enjoy a horror film.
I’ve craved for this feeling for so long and I’d greatly take it even under such uncomfortable circumstances.
nA sense of privacy and independence perhaps? Or just that need to be left alone.
I’m just so exhausted from everyone, left and right telling me what to do, and how to feel. -- Everyone has their own two cents and while many of which only ask out of worry and care… feels like a huge invasion of my personal privacy.
Oddly enough, I don’t feel sharing it on xanga to be as such.
Though in the past couple days I’ve taken the full excuse of being a bio-hazard to not have to deal with people.
I’ve cleared my heart and my head to the best of my abilities with what I have right now. And I only hope that it holds for the next little while. ... But for the moment, I’ll be enjoying my quarantine.
- "THE NEXT FOURTEEN TUESDAYS." - Lately I've been just aching for change. -- And since the emotional levels haven't been showing much improvement; I've been tempted into drastically changing the physical.
I wanted to dye my hair, chop it all off; get coloured contacts, a piercing perhaps or even a tattoo. (All of which I deemed a bad idea.) -- Michelle has noticed.
"So you're really upset these days aren't you?" What? -- "You've been wearing make-up quite often."
She gets it, and she gets me. -- Those days where you just need to feel pretty. If not something at all. I've been trying hard to limit those moments of self-pity for all that it has come from these tattered relationships. ~ Nonetheless it's important to get those foolish tears out once in a while.
And I can say is that no one else tries harder to make myself happy than me.
I like myself more without the 'face paint'.
I'm looking forward to my latest project for the next fourteen weeks. If I'm going to change its now or never. People will need to tell me if they're in or they're out. Because I'm not going to waste my time to matter to people that don't care enough to make me a priority in their lives.
It hurts too much to love people who are so eager to throw you away.
The chaos will calm and Life will have better things to offer when we decide to tread and struggle through the storm. -- So there is no need for blonde locks, piercings or tattoos.
The nights are terrible for me; my mind wanders out of exhaustion and confusion.
- I need to know I'm not the only one who can try, who can fight.. I always feel as if I'm 'given up' on. And it hurts.. so so badly.
It's always been that way between myself and someone else.. we'd always build it up, just to watch it fall. And I'm always left feeling like my heart and mind has been toyed with. And that whatever we've built, and whatever I am meant nothing at all.
I can let go. That's not the problem. "Its the 'giving up' that's the hardest part."
-------------------------------------------------------------- Oh Babygirl. You're so silly. But it will be okay. You always hurt, but will never give up, it's just not your style.
- REGRET... - Kel told me tonight that: "I'm surprised because.. any other guy; he would have just given up and walked away."
And tonight, he did. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so sad...because we tried to save what we valued most by giving up whatever we potentially could have had... Yet I lost him anyways..
And it wasn't worth it.
- Emily
EDIT:7:35PM 20/07/09 - Indulge me with embedded auto music. <3 I don't even like John Mayer... but I'm digging him right now. Surprisingly it's more uplifting for me than sad.
I always feel like cutting my hair when I feel 'bleh..'
