- "THE ART OF HOLDING ON & LETTING GO". - -- This has been a long time coming.
I've been putting off those replies to e-mails, text messages and phone calls. ...It's just that I didn't know what to say or how to say it. And now all I can do is say that I'm sorry for the silence. And ask that you let me try to explain.
For the longest time I had felt that I needed to have a death grip on what really mattered to me. ~ My relationships. What I failed to realize was that by holding on so tightly, I had turned a blind eye to situations that could not be fixed and to relationships that were toxic to both parties. I suffocated, pushed away the people that I ever did care about, and protected those who had consistently broken me down. -- But when I learned that truth... 'Love' became as an excuse to be invasive, manipulative and cunning, Relationships were rocked to the core, And for the first time in my life, I had to defend every action taken and word spoken vehemently.
So this summer I gave up where I never did. In my relationships and in people. And held onto something I had always lost time and time again. Self-Respect. ....
And things have never been the same.
These past two months have allowed me to see that I have people in my life that love and want to be around me. But it also made me see the inability in myself to move forward in my relationships in Ottawa. It's time to move on. It's time to let go.
2 years will fly by..
They had always said that "You'll know when you know." -- And now I do. I don't have the art of holding and letting go down to a tee. But I guess that's what Life is all about.
- "LIES YOU'RE TELLING MY MOTHER" -- AN OPEN LETTER. -
-- I’ve met my fair share of manipulators in my lifetime but none of them compare to those that have made my life a living hell for the past 6 months.
The crowd of little Asian ladies huddled around a supermarket stand, the infamous majong table or just about anywhere else… Addicted to drama, and unfortunately for me… on and off-screen.
There are no such things as secrets, but the concept of the ‘whole truth’ is non-existent either in the Chinese-Asian Community. -- I’ve seen it, heard it, and have even stood idly in instances when it had occurred right in front of me. I’ve never said a word.
Perhaps it was the confrontation. I’ve always hated it. ~ But after half a year of this torture all I want is to have that person look me in the eye
and put those words in my mouth where she had claimed once came.
Is it apathy or pure ignorance? Or is it really just for the amusement?
You have torn the foundations of a mother-daughter relationship right beneath me. You have toyed with my relationships with others and impacted my life in such a way
that I can no longer trust or feel the sense of ownership in my own life. You have made my home inhabitable and Ottawa, a hostile city. -- And I wholly and fully resent you for it.
-- My feelings have remained unchanged. Then again, I didn't expect them to. I know myself enough by now to foresee such.
-- I had no doubt that I wanted to be with him. Perhaps I know that a part of me may always want to. But it's never right for it be so one-sided. And that I knew.
He's still the last person I think about when I close my eyes at night..
I've just stopped that from getting in my way. (Or anything else for that matter..) - Emily
-- For the first time since April, it finally FEELS like summer. And I’m in bed, coughing up phlegm, taking penicillin and popping Tylenols. (Not to mention we’re steadily into September.)
I’ve watched a stack load of dvds. Comedies, Action/Drama and Horror. All by myself, wrapped up in my down comforter and puffy pillows surrounding me. - I forgot how much I could enjoy a horror film.
I’ve craved for this feeling for so long and I’d greatly take it even under such uncomfortable circumstances.
nA sense of privacy and independence perhaps? Or just that need to be left alone.
I’m just so exhausted from everyone, left and right telling me what to do, and how to feel. -- Everyone has their own two cents and while many of which only ask out of worry and care… feels like a huge invasion of my personal privacy.
Oddly enough, I don’t feel sharing it on xanga to be as such.
Though in the past couple days I’ve taken the full excuse of being a bio-hazard to not have to deal with people.
I’ve cleared my heart and my head to the best of my abilities with what I have right now. And I only hope that it holds for the next little while. ... But for the moment, I’ll be enjoying my quarantine.
